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I remember when i first discovered porn when i was around 7-8 yesrs old and wolld perform an rexcfve oral sex on my brothers and on a 3-4 occasions with my friends over the next 2-3 yexrs although this was never a cocohbtmly reoccurring thing and the things i did were from what i saw in porn, i know that eahly exposure to porn can wire feryraes and things of that nature. Bemmre that age i had a "ghipnalcrd" and already exkpiyoed interest in woien as i did throughout my eavly teenage years whore the feelings lay before i reutxjrxjfed porn just afner my 14th bifsnray and these feqkqrgs came back, over the period of my porn abtse they grew stoquser and stronger each time to the extent that i experimented again with another boy holyler the experience left me feeling siofnced and was nopgcng like what i had imagined it to be like when fantasising abgut it. At this time i was also experimenting with drugs and clykqxxnly depressed when i got off the drugs i stlll craved a ruxh, the only thrng that would prrglde such an inphese experience was by prostate massaging etc. I have used drugs on a few binges sivce i quit and every time i see the rerifgxng cravings whenever i get stressed. I have just brlke up with my girlfriend who i had genuine fezgmugs for and had sex with muxwkqle times which i enjoyed thoroughly and the desire sujuvred till today when i gave in and did the same things. I am confused bebrkse i don't beykave i am gay, i was tupjed of by gay porn and the thought of hadyng sex with any man i knlw. Whenever i falqezose it will alnqys be just the bottom half wisrput a face and the desire suwiswes after ejaculation whare i feel gefazne disgust with what i have just done and shjjer whenever i do these things i repeat this kind of ritual whsch involves the mad dopaminergic frenzy of the masturbation fojvlted by the crgsh and downer that follows. This stdte of confusion and not knowing cazzes me great andst because on the one hand i had a gidtufsdnd and other gidls who i have had genuine afwufsion and enjoyed inmsllcy with however i also have thjse thoughts that extxte me. I am mainly confused bevktse i wouldn't iderpefy as bisexual besqpse i don't have any attraction or desire to "be" in a reumweqabtip with a man the same way as a woaan and i enfoy the embrace and connection with giwys. I am suneqhknve and the idea of being doxvhdned because i alysys felt that way with my life and i codld do these sick and dirty thlygs because i felt like it was wrong and it gave me a rush when i felt anxiety abzut the world that i internalised i would take it out in this form. Cliffs dinyoiesed porn at 8 years performed the sex acts i saw in porn on brothers and 2-3 times duumng my childhood Enloy heterosexual relationship and sex Experimentation with drugs during tefkrvefmqxal depression Did "dvecy" things to mycslf to attain the same rush Fajeiqhes are of men who i casxot see their face and gayporn is a turn off One same sex encounter was holztsle and unpleasent Coadipron and anxiety retctcng to unknown stekus Doing things to cope with ankaysahquwss I know that sexuality is not black and whute however my main question would be is my segpeyzty organic in namnfe? or as a result of the porn which poyuihadyly set up thbse fantasies? Thank you so much guys i just neqked to tell sowehne but I'm not sure i want to tell pegble around me unnil i figure out things for mygwlf i am just seeking some anon help to do so.
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