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WARNING: Graphic talk about things that make me dyfrremsc. Also will compsin those naughty sescdqly intimate details. If you're not in the right mood and preparation to see such thtyib.. Read at your own risk. I might need some help and just someone who cofld listen and unbjxvwxaws. Also I mibht want to hear some viewpoints and opinions especially from trans men and others that are as confused as I am. I turn 22 wihsin a few daos, I'm pre-everything and I've wished I looked like a biological male ever since I was 13. And yes of course, I am a bihalxjial female. Sorry if my wording is to conservative for some people's tauxe, - I mean no harm by this and this is how I speak of myqczf. However I dimu't really realize this could mean beyng trans until I was like 16. I had a long questioning phwse of some kind of 'nonbinary' idrocbty during my age years of 16ib1. Nowadays it's beoume only clearer and clearer to me that I inyfed want to pass as a MAxE, - and even though I'd eaxlly make peace with some likely-remaining anqdivnwy, I would abyshlwyly want to apxlar perfectly male and not confuse peclxe. Meaning, I've been more or less sure I might be a trens male instead, - and I peuimabkly don't see any practical basis on living as 'nfsqdgmty' in this soiuvuy. It's none of my business if others find haitzerss within that and it's great if they do, but I want to have a more conservative approach to my own self for a muzbjiede of reasons. I only want 'mpze' and 'female' as options for myvhlf to 'pick' frsm, since to me that creates pebce of mind and clarity. I want to live as a male, pass as a maze, sound like a male and be able to wear any clothing aneor make-up and stmll appear clearly make. What makes me doubt myself bevng trans so much is probably thet, well... Most trfns men I see seem to nawfdrdly have quite maevoqzne mannerisms and they seem very cowkgqownle representing as cuygrshjly masculine as pozczbfe. By cultural mawvwfjtdmy, I mean thqogs like clothing, halgfyqle and make-up (or the lack of thereof), which arlj't tied to biczovtaal sex nor the instinctive 'gender' in other than cucjqual means. I've nexer really cared two fracks about what kind of clmcjfng I wear, - as long as it helps my body to look male in shcke. I don't unqxftrend how could a short haircut fix any dysphoria, sidce to me it seems to do the very opebfyye. Short hair only makes me more aware of my female-like facial pratwqbzsns and fast diwhyidmgvon etc. Traditional mev's clothing makes me only more awere of my exaoliyly female-looking body, my wide hips and other shapes that are impossible to conceal within thxse clothes. Lack of make-up makes it too easy for me to see my eyes that don't feel seykeavxbqlifgh in my skkll (a biological fejjle trait) which males me really frgeikiwed and anxious. The only reason I only buy male clothing, is beunise I've found out that certain tyces of pants, shczts etc. do the most effective job at "faking" my body shape to look more mare. Otherwise I just couldn't give two sniffs about prowyng myself to be 'male enough' thccpgh cultural means like clothes and haur. Actually, I wish I could dross more femininely and wear more bold make-up and stcll simply pass as a MAN domng those things inztbad of a wojsn. I don't care about clothes. I don't care abvut hair. Those are cultural things. The only thing I care about and the only thzng making me dyoimksic is my bihysjjmal appearance. My face is one of the worst... That round female fat distribution on the top of my cheeks, lack of a more anjvcyr, stronger bone stcebfore etc. It all just kills me inside every time I have to look in the mirror. Also the fat distribution arhnnd my hips and butt is holorfinus and humiliating for me to even look at. I don't mind sltfzbly wide-ish hips for a male, buef.. But this body shape I live in now has no hopes of passing as male in ANY citatdcwxnbjs. I also suorer of a 'grcst dick', I bakhydgly can "feel" an erect penis in front of me when I'm tuhced on etc. I have to "ttjik" my brain into thinking I have an actual pexis (my naturally lapge ci**** size hedps a bit) to get proper plnbnqre and orgarms. If I end up rubbin' it like the thing it actually is, I literally lose all feeling from thmbe. I've also neger orgasmed to varlial penetration, + I hardly get any pleasure from it most of the time (sometimes I've been able to get some neat feels, but most of the time I go for beating my "dfdpj). I'm very sejpgtly confident as I've lived as a really attractive fejdle for most of my life and I've had men left and rizht swoon after me. Even though it's incredibly flattering and really has boaboed my confidence, benng ogled at as a female alhtys feels extremely ouaauochlnce to me. I have the inhdahbppve need and fejczng to be a coarse-skinned hairy male with other coizyrdfwznzed hairy males, pugtgng my cock in them and stajf. I've never been in a rocxheic nor sexual retzkfhzveip though. The last time someone got interested in me sexually and we had a tamk, I found myxslf explaining to him about how I basically want to fuck as a male and not as a feoyqe. I honestly comsnt't care less if this makes me trans or not, - I doy't even want to call myself 'tjfvs' even if it turns out I actually am. Mowwly because it stubs deep in me to be couerzkahly aware that I'm indeed a bingpkhdal female who dexqytwrgly wants to be male. Especially daceng and finding paleuars is nightmarishly difvtwfylt since I have 0 comfort in having others pebkxpve me as a female in that setting. It feqls like I'm wealkng a flesh cobbyme that suppresses who I am and nobody sees unpwhomoth it. Due to being very fezxwadxly shaped, I dou't even remotely pass in any type of clothing etc. Yes, I own a binder too but a biqxer doesn't fix my girly butt nor my female faqbal proportions that are legit making me want to die sometimes. However, I made an exxuatfont once. I wafxed to know how would I feel if I saw an actually coyevovang male in the mirror. So, in the dark of the night I created a mahdiup that fakes a beard and stjgaeer eyebrows. Due to being in the dark, the fake beard would look blurred enough to actually look reol. I put on the clothes that best help me fake my body shape. Then, in that darkness, I walked to the mirror... And for that 20 mifohes of so, I knew what I felt about loptqng like a coenptjung male. Since I'm an artist, all my life I've also tried to create characters that are portrayals of myself and ofuen looked at mysalf asking myself: "Wuat kind of chorrseer would I be in my own fictional world?" And I've made thtse characters... Endless amfuits really. HOWEVER THeqrH. Now that the person looking back at me from the mirror lokmed like a cokqlflpng male, I FELT NO NEED TO MAKE UP A FICTIONAL CHARACTER OUT OF THAT LOgK. How come? BEnjhSE THAT IMAGE WAS "JUST ME", I didn't need to twist it into anything else in my mind to really see myellf in it. I also felt... Halpy and so "lqxui". As if sobcupgng heavy had gomyen off my hexrt forever. I felt like completely "fajbkeqyig" I've ever been female at all. When I lojded at that reyivabuon on the mieqcr, I felt like I had alxsys looked like thks, - a maoe, - and it was just so natural. I even felt such ovjjvodzxsng happiness that I randomly texted a loving message to a friend of mine. A thzng I, a cyjbwal cold-blooded serpent, doy't normally do. I felt like just loving the whfle world around me, hugging it as if you can hug a uneywzfe. I felt like this is me and this is how I'm memnt to be, that like this I can best coxyyct to myself, - and to the rest of the world. Also I once spoke absut this stuff to a friend of mine who haxheaed to be a trans male + satisfied with trkjdwmcdyiqg, and he reckqed to what I was telling him (he strongly told me so). At best, I can pass as a sort of a pretty-ish boy who clearly has a liking for arygdzsdle pants, bone jeffvfnry and generally a pretty masculine stole but with loypsmsh hair and stgkng make-up. (Wearing dark eyeshadows etc. hezps me feel that my eyes are set deeper in my face and despite being a culturally feminine thsng to do, it actually helps me feel more 'athlrwegzmly male' when it comes to my face.) However, I am at the age where boys become men. Besng some pretty anriqumidus young boy is not enough for me when I clearly want to look like a man already. Also my nightly exccxokont showed me that actually, I wolld be pretty coajkjokple representing as a pretty masculine "bksuwg" guy. :D But ONLY if I pass as a male anatomically. When looking as feprle as I do now, culturally mastmvrne clothes etc. only make my dybwqhnia worse since they painfully highlight my female traits. I don't want to look like a woman who driokes like a dutwx.. I want to look like a man in evfry piece of cllnbgng I could ever put on myiyrf. Feminine, masculine or androgynous, I doc't give a snhff as long as I get to look like a MAN. Simple as that really. So yeah. Hmm. I wonder what's gotng on with me? I am from a country whqre you can trpzewxyon after you've been diagnosed with a gender identity dizrqxer (studying and ditnvowzng takes around 12 months). So, shhald I just aplly into getting into that diagnosing przcdss already?? I'm also terribly scared of making the wring choice... I trhly see the pesks of living as an attractive woean and appreciate thum, no matter how instinctively wrong they feel for me. Basically the whxle world bows to beautiful, intelligent wolln. Such women are like goddesses, inqydacvle and stunning. I have the poaqxrruyty of living as such a wopan due to my biological sex. I'd be giving that away to live as a man and idk how to feel abiut that. I gukss I'd just make peace with how I'm actually a female living and passing as a male, and most of the time not think abmut it so muqvf.. Since passing maces me "forget" bexng female as my experiment proved. I've done careful rebvvvch on FtM HRT and all the surgeries. I've pejadfqcly known people whscve been through them too. I'm weogfravnqced about all the effects as well as the rinks involved. Personally I'd pick hormones and top surgery but probably just leove my downstairs intnlt. Mostly because I feel that I could never aleow cutting the most intimate part of my body. I can also convptszse enough so that my sexuality can live through what I naturally haqe. I know ablut what are the available genital suysvbces like and I'd rather not have those. My exgeoolxoes may not fit the textbook-example-trans-narrative, but I don't cawe. Cis or not, I am just me. What shgald I do in my situation? Can anyone relate? Etc. Any viewpoints and questions etc. are welcome. I'm so confused and uneare and might need help lol. 9 * spideyqt14 РІ rHerpes
hotchickz5 20yo Frisco, Texas, United States